A TIME TO HEAL

A TIME TO HEAL

The last few weeks have been emotionally rough.  I have been secretly terrified that something is going to happen and I won’t bring home a baby.  It has been an irrational fear that has had me crying everyday.  I thought that if I talked about these feelings it would make it real so I didn't even share what I was feeling with my husband.  On Friday I was driving around by myself doing errands and getting my toes painted for the big day when in my moments alone I thought back to my pregnancy with McKaylan and how different my experience has been this time.  It was then that it hit me as to why I was having all this irrational fear.  

Nineteen years ago I was pregnant with a sweet baby girl.  I was single and alone, but I did have the support of my parents and family.  When I found out how fragile and sick my baby girl was going to be I was devastated.  On top of that all the doctors, professionals, specialists and many family members all felt I should terminate my pregnancy because she was “not going to make it anyway.”  I was told her quality of life was going to be so bad that she would need a ventilator, feeding tube and many other machines to make her live.  At the time I didn’t care.  I was just told I was having a little girl and no matter what I was going to hold her and love her till she died.  She would die in my arms knowing her mother loved her. 

I had to go in every week for ultrasounds and testing for months.  Every week things got worse, she got worse.  She developed in utero hydrocephalus.  Every ultrasound showed it getting worse and worse until you could not see her brain.  Her little skull was so full of fluid.  I cried and pleaded with my Heavenly Father for us to trade places and to make me sick and her whole.  All I remember of that pregnancy was fear, failure, and helplessness.  I felt I had made so many mistakes that I couldn't even grow a baby right. 

When I was almost eight months pregnant my dad came to me and asked if I wanted him to make funeral arrangements.  I felt like my breath had been stolen right out of me.  “No! No! No!” I had screamed in my head.  Out loud I could barely whisper the word.  I was insistent that I was bringing home my baby and I put together her crib and got our room ready.  I got her car seat and diaper bag ready!  That was my stubborn, defiant streak in me. 

In the end we all know how it turned out.  I DID bring McKaylan home!  She DID live!  After all she went through she fought and her quality of life is amazing!

Clint and I had to work and fight so hard for this blessing!  I am in a different place in my life.  I have a wonderful husband, a temple marriage and I am older.  This pregnancy has been “boring” as the doctors say and they are pleased just as we are.  A lot of my emotional trauma I had with McKaylan has been healing during this pregnancy.  I have my loving husband who ADORES me and is amazed at the changes and the beauty this pregnancy has done to me. (His words, not mine)  I have been able to focus on what is going on with MY body and not be to worried about how the baby developing.  I am able to enjoy the small moments and love sharing them with him. 

Lately, with this pregnancy, the old fear has been haunting me.  Last week I was terrified to put the crib together.  When I got the car seat out of the box I had a panic attack.  I balled my eyes out when I washed the pink load of baby clothes and folded them and put them away.

When I reflected on the emotional trauma of my first pregnancy, I was able to connect the dots!  I realized where my current fear was coming from!  It is still irrational, but I now understand it and I have been able to get it under control and actually talk about it with my husband.  Since then, I do feel better.  Talking didn’t make the fear real, but it helped start the healing process.  I still have some anxiety.  I am having a baby by c-section in FIVE days!  My brain is having a hard time processing that!   Now I am able to actually enjoy these last few days!  We are so excited and have felt all of your love and blessings.  I will keep you all updated!

Long Time Father, First Time Dad!

Long Time Father, First Time Dad!
   
Throughout this pregnancy, I have tried to continue to do the usual things I normally do and not ask for any help.  I really do have a hard time asking anyway. In the beginning of the pregnancy Clint would really get mad at me tell me to get him if I needed help.  For example, lifting McKaylan in and out of the car and then her wheelchair.  It has never been difficult for me, and it wasn't in the beginning either.  Clint would get so frustrated and finally said to me one day, "If you lose this baby it will not be my fault!"  There were other confrontations and I didn't understand why he was getting so upset.  Finally, in a moment of calm we talked about it and he said that we were having a baby and this was new for him.  I just laughed it off and said we have had babies before and that we have had up to 9 kids!  What was the problem???  He said that this is MY first baby.  We have never had a baby together.  I have never been pregnant with him!    This was a new experience for him.  I never had really thought about it that way.  So I have since then dialed it down a bit.  Asked for help more (sort of). It is soooo hard for me!

So, yes and crazy as it sounds, it is true.  My husband is a wonderful father.  We have had many children in our home that we have loved and lost.  This is the first time that he has fathered a child and has experienced being an expectant dad.  He has been so attentive and amazing through this whole process.  Now that we are at the end of this I am having a very hard time doing anything including walking.  He is right there by my side helping me, getting things for me, even pulling/carrying me to where I need to go.  He is my protector, defender, my forever knight in shining armor.  I love him and this pregnancy journey has added another layer of unconditional love in our marriage.  Probably a layer we would not have without going through this experience.  Again, I am humbled and amazed at the love my Heavenly Father has for me and the incredible blessings he has granted me and my family.

Full of Emotion

I have decided to start blogging again.  It has been a few years and a lot has happened.  I am so full of emotion and crazy ideas I need to get them down.  I am currently 34 weeks pregnant with a miracle and I still can't wrap my brain around it.  I look in the mirror at my body in disbelief, yet when I feel my baby move I am full of wonder and amazement.  I want to share my life and all the blessings and crazy that I have been blessed with.  I feel like that someday I will write a book about it, but until then blogging is a platform I will try and use. 

Like I said I am pregnant.  After 13 years of trying and dying we finally did it.  It was a seriously unbelievable journey with loss that was hard, but looking back things had to happen before our baby came to us.  They always say, "hindsight is 20/20."  I have found myself so full of emotion and many of them are conflicting.  I am so grateful, happy and in a state of wonder.  At the same time I am fearful, in denial and I can't believe this is happening.  With all this add the pregnancy hormones and I am a basket case.  I have an ultrasound pic of my baby on my phone and I burst into tears every time I see it.  My heart is ready to burst especially when I feel and see her move.  She is amazing, unreal, miracle, out of reach, and so close.  I am terrified and excited.  I am seriously a mess and I love it!